Galfisk eier DEG

En av de sinteste og mest pessimistiske komikerne jeg vet om, LEEEEEEEEEEEEWIS BLACK:

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT…and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

I realize I use the word ‘fuck’ a lot, and I’d apologize for that, but I don’t give a shit.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.

I’d rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You’re sitting essentially in an out house. You’ve cut a hole in the ice, and you’re fishing for fish that you shouldn’t eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.

They say that New Zealand’s beautiful, and I don’t know because after 22 hours on a plane, any land mass would be beautiful. We could have landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other; And I would have been thrilled to see them, and I would have performed.

If you drink, and you’ve not been there, get off your ass. You’re gonna wanna go there.
-om Irland

And it seems to me if you’re going to travel for 19 hours to another country, when you get there, they should have the common courtesy to speak another language. I did not fly all this way to hear English again. Speak gibberish, speak pig latin you fuck.

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I’d go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they’d remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin’ true.

[Høy jubel] That is way too much excitement. Son of a bitch. I mean this is all fun for you guys, but I gotta fuckin’ work here! I’m thrilled to see you all out here this evening. I really didn’t think that the audience that I kind of am lucky enough to gather could afford Broadway prices. It really is nice that people are actually coming out to see me now. I’m amazed… I am, and I think it’s terrific, but you know, you bring your friends and I don’t really need them. You know, you and I have developed a relationship. I don’t need the fuckin’ strangers hanging around… Two weeks before you see me you go, ‘Oh! You gotta see this guy! He’s really funny!’ How do you think that makes me feel? That put’s a lot of goddamn pressure on me! Because if I’m not funny, you’re fucked.

Michael Jackson is a punch line to any joke you want. If you forget the punch line of a joke, all you gotta say is Michael Jackson. Two Jews walked into a bar… Michael Jackson. Why’d the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson. And so the farmer brought his daughter to the dinner table; Michael Jackson. It works for fuckin’ anything!

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, ‘You know. I don’t think I’m gonna be Jewish for very long.’

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are…. and when I find you I am going to kill you.

You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children… hiding safely under their desks.

It’s ridiculous that we still have a hole in the ozone layer. We have men, we have rockets, we have Saran Wrap - FIX IT!! And don’t come back until you do.

If you’re seeing a psychiatrist you’re pissing money away, all you gotta do is fly to my city and get on a subway. Inevitably you’ll be seated in front of some guy and he’ll be playing with himself. And he’ll be singing ‘Happy Days Are Here Again!’ I tell you when I see that guy I feel a lot better about myself. I think, gee, I’m on the subway every day, I’m under a lot of pressure, it never crossed my mind you could just pull out your pesky and sing a song. I guess he was going to an important meeting with that briefcase, just needed to take the edge off.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Allow me to explain how our federal government works. To begin with, by the federal government I mean Democrats and Republicans working together. And the only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, “I’ve got a really bad idea.” And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, “And I can make it shittier.”

I believe the human brain is so smart that when it watches you watch yourself watch you watch yourself do something you shouldn’t be fuckin’ doing it says, “you are so stupid, I will kill you.”

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

We buy bottles of water from Pepsi and Coke, because when I think clean water, oh yeah, I fuckin’ think Coke and Pepsi!

I was reading about Diabetes on the plane. And as soon as I got off the plane…I had Diabetes.

You ever read the ingedients in sunblock? I’ve never seen those words anywhere. You don’t even know what you’re putting on your face, do you? You go, “Oh no, the sun’s out!” It could be zebra cum; you don’t know. You may not like that joke, but you don’t know.

Britney Spears comes out and she starts singing about Pepsi, but you don’t know what she’s singing, because she can’t fucking sing. So the message you got was “Tittie-tittie-tittie, ass-ass-ass, tittie-tittie-tittie, ass-ass-ass, more ass, tittie-tittie”.

Psychic friends, call your psychic pals. If you know anybody who’s called a television psychic, and continues to do it for a $1.99 a minute, you take a stick, and you hit ‘em! And then you go “No.”

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,’ and nobody in the room just goes, ‘AHAHAHA! Son of a bitch! That was great!’

This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, WHO CARES? I’m too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, WITH THE CAR I JUST STOLE! Now, THIS is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for PUSSIES!