WOOP, irsk komiker som snakker MEGET pent engelsk, glad i one-liners og tørre ordspill:

“Close to comedy genius” - The Guardian. Don’t worry. It’s a newspaper for teachers. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say ‘chat’, it was her talking to me for six hours. I didn’t realise that when men say they’re ’spoken for’ that’s actually what they mean. She said “Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that’s a dead end.” So I replied, “That’s not a crossroads, that’s a T-Junction”.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

Sting is always boasting about his eight-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler. Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker. You know this joke works only because it’s true.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I better warn you that in my act there is a certain amount of bad language. I’m not talking split infinitives, there will be some swearing and there is material of a sexual nature. So if you are offended by rude or crude material, for heaven’s sake, don’t be a cunt about it.

My girlfriends reading a book called “Women who love too much” which I think should have the title shortened, to “Sluts”.

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I’m thinking of starting a company called “They’ll squeal, but not to the cops”.

My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying “Random accidents ahead”, “Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enought. Use an ashtray!

I’d like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.

Tihi!