Galfisk eier DEG

Neste ut, DAAAAAAAVE Attell. Mhm. Perverse, gale mannen som har en forkjærlighet for dverger og sjokkhumor:

People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me, “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘one cock at a time.’

Sex is not that important; it’s the afterward part when you’re naked and it’s warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there [peker på bakrommet].

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They’re blowing shit up, getting things done. I’m walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.

You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call, “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh!” That’s what a lie sounds like, “Ohhh!” “10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. 10 minutes after you left the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gunna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.

Eggnog, who thought that one up? “I wanna get a lil drunk, but I also want some pancakes.” You know what eggnog really is, your not gonna wanna hear it but I’ll tell ya, it’s elf cum, you might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass. But I dont wanna tell you how to live your life. Do what you do.

Ladies, is it really the size of a man’s penis that matters, is it? [noen kvinnemennesker jubler] well, the whores have spoken… some women say yes, some women say ‘no, it’s how he uses his penis.’ ‘how he uses it.’ What is this man doing with his magical penis?! Is he building things and fighting terrorism??? ‘A gazebo, how did that get in here?!’ ‘Don’t thank me.’ What if a man doesn’t have a penis but three balls and one of them lights up and plays a tune?! Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY???!

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniels. That’s a wild man drink. That should come with bail money. Because on Jack you never know where you’ll end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants.

The other night I had the lonely bug so I went to this bar. I saw this beautiful girl there. I’m thinking, “She’s alone, I’m alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?” SO I walk over, I’m walking, I’m wearing clogs. And I notice she has a black eye, she has a shiner. I’m thinking, “Great. She doesn’t listen.” So two McNuggets, three beers, and 50 dollars later we’re back at my house doing it doggy style. Not that I planned on it, that’s just how she passed out. Thank you slow gas leak.

You know that kind of drunk where you’re a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I’m gonna win something.

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here’s mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Vegas is like spring break for the country. What we need is a religous springbreak, just a week to do all the shit we’re not supposed to. Catholics! Where are my Catholics? Wear a condom and talk about evolution, live it up. Jews! Where are my Jews? Eat a hotdog and play a professional sport. Muslims! Where are my muslims? Get on a plane, let it land.

There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window.

Haha.