Monthly Archive

Kvinner, kvinner, kvinner. Likestilling? Haha.

Jeg gidder ikke engang argumentere eller noe. Bare.. Skjerp dere. Så kan dere få gjette hva jeg mener med ‘Likestilling? Haha.’

LYKKE TIL!

Det er stygt å peke.

RAP BABY! Enten elsker du det, eller så hater du det så intenst at du får lyst til å servere en rett høyre til et spedbarn iført Nasse Nøff-kostyme. Siden jeg har så mange lesere, kremt, tenkte jeg å få dere alle til å elske det.

Første anbefalling er for dere som hater musikkstilen, og tror rap og hip-hop er Eminem og Snoop Dogg: selveste Non Phixion gjengen, som nå er oppløst. Glad sinnarap med fengende beats og pen produksjon. I gotta lotta love, want hate? I got alotta guns! Deres beste album, etter min mening, er The Future is Now, med klassikere som The CIA is Trying to Kill Me, Rockstars (produsert av selveste DJ Premier, sportfans!) og Cult Leader.

Smakebit fra Non Phixion, nemlig Rockstars:

IT’S WAR WHEN THE BEAT DROP, tøs! Det hvisker Vinnie Paz oss ømt i øret på Legacy of Blood-albumet til Jedi Mind Tricks. Geniale beats og raspende rap, må bli det med en buddhist bak spakene og en sint, hvit muslim bak mikrofonen. Legacy of Blood og Violent by Design er de to beste albumene, med sanger som Heavenly Divine, On the Eve of War, Verses of the Bleeding og Saviorself.

Smakebit fra Jedi Mind Tricks, On the Eve of War (ikke musikkvideo):

Til slutt blir det en lettvekter, El Axel, tidligere kjent som F’EM ONE fra Equicez. Chilensk-Norsk, rapper på engelsk og litt spansk, artige saker. Albumet Showtime, kom akkurat ut, så løp og kjøp!

Smakebit fra El Axel’s låt Showtime (Move Your Arms):

SOMEONE’S GONNA GET PREGNANT!

Hahahahahahahaha

Alle vet hva som er best for galfisk, utenom galfisk, skal vi tro ferske undersøkelser fra hans nærmiljø.

Jeg vurderer jobbskifte, etter at jeg nettopp skiftet jobb, fra Toro til Asko. Noe som tydeligvis er et grusomt tabu. Trives jeg i den nye jobben som jeg vil skifte fra? Ja, noenlunde. Men arbeidsoppgavene er VELDIG ensformige, og uten noen som helst endring i sikte, ser jeg meg om etter nye steinbrudd å svinge hakken i. Og med min imponerende CV har jeg selvsagt fått en del firma på kroken, skal på intervju allerede i morgen. VEDERSTYGGELIG! roper alle galfisks eiere.

Er Asko bedre enn Toro? Definitivt, ja. Tiden går fortere, ingen late idioter rundt meg og jeg slipper alskens mystiske støv i nese, lunger, ører, og andre steder. Men variasjon er det ikke på Asko. Hent disse varene, putt dem på denne pallen, lever dem der, gjenta. Slikt liker jeg ikke, jeg er ikke laget for slikt. Da jobber jeg heller i en 7/11 i sentrum og lar uteliggerne urinere på skoene mine hver onsdag og fredag.

Dette er åpenbart uforståelig for menneskene rundt meg, det at jeg forsøker å finne meg til rette, når alle egentlig vil ha meg i samme jobb, 07 til 15 og død innvendig. Jammen du ville jo skifte fra Toro, og snakket så varmt om Asko. SÅKLART, når man har vært i konsentrasjonsleir blir man sjeleglad når man får muligheten til å komme til en vanlig fangeleir.

Så, jeg er uendelig frustrert når absolutt ingen, utenom SuperKim og MegaJostein [Asko-kollega] OG JANNE DA^^ *koze* forstår det. Min far sier det er best å klore seg fast i et så stort firma som Norgesgruppen, eierne av Asko, og bli der til ryggen min streiker i en alder av 34. Sorry Mac, jeg gjør som jeg vil, jeg er min egen keiser.

SÅ, med mindre dere har kvittering, eier jeg meg selv.

…og vinn et ‘GALFISK: JEG GJORDE VERDEN TIL ET BEDRE STED Å VÆRE’-diplom.

Kriteriene for å være med: Ta et bilde av det avkappede hodet, MED den åndsvake hjelmen de har på seg, sammen med dagens avis. Send det på mail sammen med adressen, og diplomet vil være på vei, sammen med et signert bilde av meg. Gjør seg fint på veggen.

HVORFOR GALFISK, HVORFOR HATER DU OSS SLIK!? roper syklistene med de tynne små spede stemmene de har, VI GJØR JO ALDRI NOE GALT! JO TØSER, dere overholder ikke en ENESTE trafikkregel. Stoppe på rødt lys? NEVER ‘EARD OF. Vikeplikt? WOOT IS ‘DIS BLACK MAGIC? Fotgjengerfelt? I IS WELL CERTAIN DAT DOESN’T EXIST! Helvetes amøber. Inkompetente horer som aldri klarte lappen og skylder det hele på at ‘vi må jo spare miljøet’.

Til slutt, et feelgood bilde:

Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, mmm.

Hvordan i svarte ble denne perlen…

…til dette? (se bort ifra selve videoen, fant ikke musikkvideoen)

MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH INFANTS!

Mennene bak Spaced og Shaun of the Dead herjer igjen!

Simon Pegg og Nick Frost foran kamera og Edgar Wright bak, da er ting på stell. Simon Pegg spiller en lettere entusiastisk politimann, Nicholas Angel, i Londons Metropolitan Police, som er for effektiv og stiller alle andre London politimenn i et særdeles dårlig lys. Derfor besluttes det av ledelsen at han må sendes til Sandford, en rolig landsby hvor det ikke har skjedd noe nevneverdig på 20 år. And hilarity ensues. Som alltid. Ting er ikke like idyllisk som alle vil ha det til, og Angel begynner å forstå nettopp dette… Ooooh!

Simon Pegg som hard politimann. DER har du et underlig konsept. Men jeg elsket det, det fungerte overraskende bra. Nick Frost spiller seg selv som vanlig, en siklende idiot uten sosial intelligens, men det er slik vi liker ham. Ellers kan vi nevne at eks-James Bond, Timothy Dalton, dukker opp som en slesk supermarked-eier, og at Tim Barlow [mr. Treacher] har en liten cameo, der han spaserer i den ‘lange frakken’ sin. I enda mindre cameo-roller finner vi Bill Nighy, Steve Coogan og Martin Freeman. Og for dere med et keen eye, Cate Blanchett som Janine og Peter Jackson som gal julenisse med kniv.

Manuset er spekket av diskré morsomheter og ordspill, samt referanser til andre filmer. Plottet er deilig simplistisk, så det kreves ingen 6′ere på vitnemålet for å få med seg alt.

Filmen er en parodi på enhver amerikansk politifilm, med absurde biljakter, ville skytescener og hardbarket, kortfattet dialog. Og fokus på papirarbeid.

GO SEE IT MANSLUTS. AND ORDINARY SLUTS!

HOT FUZZ! Jeg skal se den ufattelig hardt uten å blunke.

HERE COMES THE FUZZ!

En av de sinteste og mest pessimistiske komikerne jeg vet om, LEEEEEEEEEEEEWIS BLACK:

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT…and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

I realize I use the word ‘fuck’ a lot, and I’d apologize for that, but I don’t give a shit.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.

I’d rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You’re sitting essentially in an out house. You’ve cut a hole in the ice, and you’re fishing for fish that you shouldn’t eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.

They say that New Zealand’s beautiful, and I don’t know because after 22 hours on a plane, any land mass would be beautiful. We could have landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other; And I would have been thrilled to see them, and I would have performed.

If you drink, and you’ve not been there, get off your ass. You’re gonna wanna go there.
-om Irland

And it seems to me if you’re going to travel for 19 hours to another country, when you get there, they should have the common courtesy to speak another language. I did not fly all this way to hear English again. Speak gibberish, speak pig latin you fuck.

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I’d go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they’d remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin’ true.

[Høy jubel] That is way too much excitement. Son of a bitch. I mean this is all fun for you guys, but I gotta fuckin’ work here! I’m thrilled to see you all out here this evening. I really didn’t think that the audience that I kind of am lucky enough to gather could afford Broadway prices. It really is nice that people are actually coming out to see me now. I’m amazed… I am, and I think it’s terrific, but you know, you bring your friends and I don’t really need them. You know, you and I have developed a relationship. I don’t need the fuckin’ strangers hanging around… Two weeks before you see me you go, ‘Oh! You gotta see this guy! He’s really funny!’ How do you think that makes me feel? That put’s a lot of goddamn pressure on me! Because if I’m not funny, you’re fucked.

Michael Jackson is a punch line to any joke you want. If you forget the punch line of a joke, all you gotta say is Michael Jackson. Two Jews walked into a bar… Michael Jackson. Why’d the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson. And so the farmer brought his daughter to the dinner table; Michael Jackson. It works for fuckin’ anything!

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, ‘You know. I don’t think I’m gonna be Jewish for very long.’

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are…. and when I find you I am going to kill you.

You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children… hiding safely under their desks.

It’s ridiculous that we still have a hole in the ozone layer. We have men, we have rockets, we have Saran Wrap - FIX IT!! And don’t come back until you do.

If you’re seeing a psychiatrist you’re pissing money away, all you gotta do is fly to my city and get on a subway. Inevitably you’ll be seated in front of some guy and he’ll be playing with himself. And he’ll be singing ‘Happy Days Are Here Again!’ I tell you when I see that guy I feel a lot better about myself. I think, gee, I’m on the subway every day, I’m under a lot of pressure, it never crossed my mind you could just pull out your pesky and sing a song. I guess he was going to an important meeting with that briefcase, just needed to take the edge off.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Allow me to explain how our federal government works. To begin with, by the federal government I mean Democrats and Republicans working together. And the only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, “I’ve got a really bad idea.” And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, “And I can make it shittier.”

I believe the human brain is so smart that when it watches you watch yourself watch you watch yourself do something you shouldn’t be fuckin’ doing it says, “you are so stupid, I will kill you.”

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

We buy bottles of water from Pepsi and Coke, because when I think clean water, oh yeah, I fuckin’ think Coke and Pepsi!

I was reading about Diabetes on the plane. And as soon as I got off the plane…I had Diabetes.

You ever read the ingedients in sunblock? I’ve never seen those words anywhere. You don’t even know what you’re putting on your face, do you? You go, “Oh no, the sun’s out!” It could be zebra cum; you don’t know. You may not like that joke, but you don’t know.

Britney Spears comes out and she starts singing about Pepsi, but you don’t know what she’s singing, because she can’t fucking sing. So the message you got was “Tittie-tittie-tittie, ass-ass-ass, tittie-tittie-tittie, ass-ass-ass, more ass, tittie-tittie”.

Psychic friends, call your psychic pals. If you know anybody who’s called a television psychic, and continues to do it for a $1.99 a minute, you take a stick, and you hit ‘em! And then you go “No.”

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,’ and nobody in the room just goes, ‘AHAHAHA! Son of a bitch! That was great!’

This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, WHO CARES? I’m too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, WITH THE CAR I JUST STOLE! Now, THIS is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for PUSSIES!

WOOP, irsk komiker som snakker MEGET pent engelsk, glad i one-liners og tørre ordspill:

“Close to comedy genius” - The Guardian. Don’t worry. It’s a newspaper for teachers. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say ‘chat’, it was her talking to me for six hours. I didn’t realise that when men say they’re ’spoken for’ that’s actually what they mean. She said “Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that’s a dead end.” So I replied, “That’s not a crossroads, that’s a T-Junction”.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

Sting is always boasting about his eight-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler. Imagine how long he could keep it up if she was a looker. You know this joke works only because it’s true.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I better warn you that in my act there is a certain amount of bad language. I’m not talking split infinitives, there will be some swearing and there is material of a sexual nature. So if you are offended by rude or crude material, for heaven’s sake, don’t be a cunt about it.

My girlfriends reading a book called “Women who love too much” which I think should have the title shortened, to “Sluts”.

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I’m thinking of starting a company called “They’ll squeal, but not to the cops”.

My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying “Random accidents ahead”, “Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enought. Use an ashtray!

I’d like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.

Tihi!

Neste ut, DAAAAAAAVE Attell. Mhm. Perverse, gale mannen som har en forkjærlighet for dverger og sjokkhumor:

People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me, “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘one cock at a time.’

Sex is not that important; it’s the afterward part when you’re naked and it’s warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there [peker på bakrommet].

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They’re blowing shit up, getting things done. I’m walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.

You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call, “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh!” That’s what a lie sounds like, “Ohhh!” “10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. 10 minutes after you left the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gunna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.

Eggnog, who thought that one up? “I wanna get a lil drunk, but I also want some pancakes.” You know what eggnog really is, your not gonna wanna hear it but I’ll tell ya, it’s elf cum, you might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass. But I dont wanna tell you how to live your life. Do what you do.

Ladies, is it really the size of a man’s penis that matters, is it? [noen kvinnemennesker jubler] well, the whores have spoken… some women say yes, some women say ‘no, it’s how he uses his penis.’ ‘how he uses it.’ What is this man doing with his magical penis?! Is he building things and fighting terrorism??? ‘A gazebo, how did that get in here?!’ ‘Don’t thank me.’ What if a man doesn’t have a penis but three balls and one of them lights up and plays a tune?! Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY???!

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniels. That’s a wild man drink. That should come with bail money. Because on Jack you never know where you’ll end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants.

The other night I had the lonely bug so I went to this bar. I saw this beautiful girl there. I’m thinking, “She’s alone, I’m alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?” SO I walk over, I’m walking, I’m wearing clogs. And I notice she has a black eye, she has a shiner. I’m thinking, “Great. She doesn’t listen.” So two McNuggets, three beers, and 50 dollars later we’re back at my house doing it doggy style. Not that I planned on it, that’s just how she passed out. Thank you slow gas leak.

You know that kind of drunk where you’re a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I’m gonna win something.

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here’s mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Vegas is like spring break for the country. What we need is a religous springbreak, just a week to do all the shit we’re not supposed to. Catholics! Where are my Catholics? Wear a condom and talk about evolution, live it up. Jews! Where are my Jews? Eat a hotdog and play a professional sport. Muslims! Where are my muslims? Get on a plane, let it land.

There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window.

Haha.

I tiltaksløshetens navn poster jeg alle mine favorittvitser/historier av yndlingskomikerne mine. Mhm. Oppkast er kjipt. Vi begynner med Bill Hicks:

I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know, you can go down there and to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It’s a museum called … “The Assassination Museum”. I think they named it that after the assassination. I can’t be too sure of the chronology here, but … anyway, they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it’s really accurate, you know, ’cause Oswald’s not in it.

Not all drugs are good. Some … are great.

People come up to me and say, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” “Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.” “Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?”

Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight!
See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you’ve chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality – because you’re dead too. And you know what doctors say: “Shit, if only you’d smoked, we’d have the technology to help you. It’s you people dying from nothing who are screwed.”

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. “I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.” “I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.” “Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!”

Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it’s all about, perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once?
“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

“Today a young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped off a building, what a tragedy.” What a dick! If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off from the ground?

Tell you, the worst kind of non-smokers’ the kind where you’re smoking and they just walk up to you … [begynner å hoste en irriterende jeg-vil-ha-deg-til-å-slutte-hoste] I always say, “Shit, you’re lucky you don’t smoke. That’s some cough you got there, dude. I’m smoking, you’re coughing. Wow.” That’s kind of cruel, man, going up to a smoker and coughing. Shit! Do you go up to crippled people dancing too, you fucks? “Hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What’s your problem? Come on ironside, race ya!”

I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.
- om Denis Leary’s GANSKE like stand-up rutine.

Not only do I think pot should be legalized; I think it should be mandatory. (mocks driver honking horn in traffic) “Shut up and smoke that, its the law” “I’m sorry officer, I was taking life seriously for a second. Who’s hungry”

Yay!

Dagbladet overgår seg selv i brilliante observasjoner.

Allerede i ingressen til artikkelen foregår det mystiske ting:
“Men sikkerhetskilder tror ikke attentatmannen ble drept i selvmordsaksjonen.“

Deretter forteller Dagbladet oss:
“Selvmordsbomberen som i går sprengte seg selv (…)“
“(…) selvmordsbomberen (…), da han sprengte seg selv(…)“

SÅ! The plot thickens:
“(…) selvmordsbomberen var et sunnimuslimsk parlamentsmedlem, som ikke ble drept i aksjonen.“
“Kildene ville ikke navngi det mistenkte parlamentsmedlemmet.“

En annen ting de også forteller oss er “Ingen steder er trygge -Selvmordsbomberen slo til i parlamentsbygningen.” OH NOES, parlamentsbygningen. I IRAK. WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT!? Hvis ikke den er trygg så tør ikke jeg gå på butikken uten følgebil og 30 bevæpnede soldater.

To hjemmedager fra jobb på grunn av sykdom:

Porno. Sex. Britney Spears. Madonna. Galfisk!

Jeg tenkte å finne ut hvor mange treff jeg får hvis jeg skriver spennende ord og fraser. PUPP! Puppene til Tone er populær, samme med snuskebildet av Rune Rudberg. KRIGEN I IRAK! Bush spiste Osama bin Laden til frokost mens Dick Cheney skjøt Jon Stewart i penisen med en ristet Coca-Cola Zero. Live on the COKE side of life. Beckham NAKEN! Brann vinner serien over Rosenborg og Vålerenga, mens Viking rykker rett ned til 3. divisjon. Trist. PENETRERING. Gud vet hva. JEHOVAS VITNER!

FITTE! VAGINA! Mhm. SNAKKES SENERE BITCHES.

Etter en rask samtale med galfisk eier DEG’s kulturrådgiver, legger jeg til:
“Du glemte penis, flat mage til sommeren, hvordan bli bedre i senga, bli en superkokk, test deg selv: er du tøffelhelt?, fotball, tippeligaen, my boobs are OK, Lene Alexandra, Team Aylar/Rask, sommerjobb, jordbær, smårips er også bær, billig smuglersprit, hvordan bli rik og suksessfull på en måned, slik drar du damer, den billigste utepilsen, øl, vin, pik(k)er ooooog….sexytime!

SKÅL!“

VEL, Rema 1000 har bajset på leggen, take it away galfisk!

MAROKKANSKE APPELSINER, 5,- kiloet. Høres sexy ut tenker du kanskje, som en samfunnsbevisst kunde som du uten tvil er. Min teori er at Rema tror vi er blinde:

JAFFA JAFFA!

I disse mindre lyse tider, for meg iallefall, hjelper det med litt hasidisk gla’reggae.

Matisyahu med kosesangen Jerusalem (Out of Darkness Comes Light):

In the ancient days, we will return with no delay
Picking up the bounty and the spoils on our way
We’ve been traveling from state to state
And them don’t understand what they say
3,000 years with no place to be
And they want me to give up my milk and honey
Don’t you see, it’s not about the land or the sea
Not the country but the dwelling of his majesty

Jerusalem, if I forget you,
fire not gonna come from me tongue.
Jerusalem, if I forget you,
let my right hand forget what it’s supposed to do.

Rebuild the temple and the crown of glory
Years gone by, about sixty
We were Burned in the oven in this century
And the gas tried to choke, but it couldn’t choke me
I will not lie down, I will not fall asleep
They come overseas, yes they’re trying to be free

Erase the demons out of your memory
Change your name and your identity
Afraid of the past and our dark history
Why is everybody always chasing we
Cut off the roots of your family tree
Don’t you see that’s not the way to be

Jerusalem, if I forget you,
fire not gonna come from me tongue.
Jerusalem, if I forget you,
let my right hand forget what it’s supposed to do.

Caught up in these ways, and the worlds gone craze
Don’t you know it’s just a phase
Case of the Simon says
If I forget the truth then my words won’t penetrate
Babylon burning in the place, can’t see through the haze
Chop down all of them dirty ways,
That’s the price that you pay for selling lies to the youth
No way, not ok, oh no way, not ok, hey

Ain’t no-one gon’ break my stride,
Ain’t no-one that can hold me down,
Oh no,
I’ve got to keep moving

Ain’t no-one that could break my stride,
Ain’t no-one that can hold me down,
Oh no,
I’ve got to keep on moving
Stay alive

Jerusalem, if I forget you,
fire not gonna come from me tongue.
Jerusalem, if I forget you,
let my right hand forget what it’s supposed to do.

Yay!

LANDSMENN!

Jeg skal ikke barbere meg før jeg er ferdig å jobbe på Asko. Klipping av håret vurderes fortløpende. Satser på nisseskjegg i sommer! Blir… EPISK.

Trofaste lesere! Galfisk skal pakke sammen og flytte til Palestina, nærmere bestemt Gaza, som Leger Uten Grenser medarbeider, så det blir tynt med blogg på 2 år.

Skrev på fredag under avtalen som binder meg i 2 år, hvor jeg skal operere som sykepleier og logistikkansvarlig på Gazastripen. Jeg gleder meg som en unge, endelig kan jeg bidra mer direkte enn å ikke kjøpe jaffakaker og dadler. Det blir nok en tøff jobb, men en glimrende opplevelse- en forelesning om livets mørkere sider opplevd first hand. Får også muligheten til å delta på kurs i universitetet der nede, i Tel Aviv, Leger Uten Grenser spanderer. Mycket bra! Baksiden blir ingen venner der nede, BUT I’LL GET SOME NEW ONES, så får dere bare være igjen her og dø uten meg. Mhm.

galfisk UT      …I VERDEN!